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[04 Mar 2009|12:25pm] |
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i. am. in. LOVE. with the process of winter turning to spring, the world waking up. nothing makes me happier than when the sun shines so brightly through my bathroom window, so the light seeps all the way through the shower curtain and the room explodes with sunlight. and i sing, whole heartedly, along to kate nash. i did the exact same thing last year, and it was the happiest time of the year. i think this is like the closest thing to a religious ritual in my life. yay!
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[13 Oct 2007|09:11am] |
so im never as happy in life as i am when im dancing, and im never as happy in dancing as i am when im dancing at shows. particularly to of montreal. despite the dehydration/wobbly feeling leaving, its the best feeling in the world. jophus said he was high on funk. i love mah life. regina spektor tonayyyyt
ps- im relatively sure that while i was dancing and screaming along to Heimdalsgate like a Promethean Curse, Brian Poole, who I am in love with after seeing him and kevin play acoustic live at berklee and then seeing him do an awkward dance and other things that made me fall in love, saw me because well the rest of the crowd was generally hipster garbage who don't dance while they listen to music just sort of nod their heads in a pensively interested sort-of way, but anyways so the whole times its just like us and this one girl dancing and he looked our way and smiled and i melted and then we made eye contact and now we're getting married. <--and that is why i am a creep.
and as a pps to that, as kevin barnes sang an improv song to boston, he referenced 2girls 1cup. hahhaha
later:
im in love with regina spektor and i want her to be my girlfriend and until then i wait.. and she played her and her fucking piano and a fucking drum stick on a chair, just like i hoped ahh life
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| Beauty |
[12 Sep 2007|09:35am] |
Wishful eyes,
fill this room up with the spirit of your cries
so, that all the world can hear it go in vain
Oh, once again I’m cracked and empty leaking
Drip into the drain, wait I can explain
inside myself that I am seeking
Little smiles,
every moment brings another wasted mile
between everything and everything I need
Get up to leave for the time has come for leaving
and if it don’t succeed will just burry all the leaves
and we could escape this emptiness
Someone take control of me
I am spinning in infinity
with my life its going endlessly from control
take off your clothes for the time has come for sleeping
Cause everybody know the world continues though
Whether or not your still breathing
Little Child,
I discovered you and hold you till surprise(?)
Just to punch you in the face with nothing more
than what all my anger bore
it’s little head and started screaming
but we’ve heard this all before
don’t just open up the door
and fill your mouth with freedoms feelings
But, someone take control of me
I am trudging with my infantry
with my army and my enemies taking hold
take off your clothes for the time has come for sleeping
Cause everybody know the world continues though
Whether or not your still breathing
- wishful eyes, neutral milk hotel. listen to it live, he's crying at the end..
...three years.
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[12 Aug 2007|11:12am] |
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august means one year of awake; pretty fucked up
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[24 Jun 2007|09:08am] |
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the only word i can use to describe most things in life right now is BOMB. and you know what? fuckin' finally.
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[22 Jun 2007|06:14pm] |
it's very strange, not writing in this all the time; it's very strange to write in it.
it's also weird spending so much time alone in the basement filing room, stuck with your thoughts. so ya, it's been a lot of that.
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[23 May 2007|05:07pm] |
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a very new summer.
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| dancing days are here again |
[22 Apr 2007|11:12am] |
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mood |
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 excited |
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music |
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dancing days - led zeppelin |
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i guess this amazing weather and one wicked nice realization is really all i needed to just feel happier about everything.
i can talk about perceived reality all i want (haha they talked about this in stay alive), i just need to put it into actual use. =)
ps- Happy Earth Day!!
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[03 Mar 2007|11:58pm] |
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music |
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Ocean Avenue - Yellowcard |
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in reading the survey she filled out, i could almost grasp the feeling of being known in every way possible. and now i can't really breathe.
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[07 Feb 2007|08:57pm] |
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music |
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Twenty Years of Snow - Regina Spektor |
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I think I used to have a purpose,
but then again, that might have been a dream.
I think I used to have a voice,
Now I never make a sound.
-je ne sais pas.
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[03 Feb 2007|09:18am] |
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music |
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Explode - Nelly Furtado (when she was a 'singer/songwriter') |
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depression is just warped mix of chemicals in your brain; happiness is just a different mix. everything about ourselves is controlled by something that we can't control. if something, like some accident or brain surgery or head trauma etc, changes the chemicals in your brain, your entire personality and self you once knew can so easily change. who we define ourselves as isn't anything of substance because we don't really control it, our interests our views our thoughts, the entire concept of a personality, it doesn't really exist. you aren't who you think you are. you aren't really anything.
so, why aren't we dancing?
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[28 Jan 2007|06:51pm] |
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music |
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What Is and What Should Never Be - Led Zeppelin |
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( batshit idealism )
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[08 Jan 2007|04:26am] |
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music |
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Asleep - The Smiths |
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are we gunna be this way forever?
ps- remember 'the borrowers'? those little guys were good.. i mean, they only took the shit you didnt need, and they were so small..
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[31 Dec 2006|02:32pm] |
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so every college supplement wants you to explain why you wanna go to their college, so you just kiss their ass and spit back the paragraph on the web-site. my dad had a different approach, "with the energy of the students, i look foward to scoring some mind-blowing drugs to make for an interesting 4-6year experience."
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[04 Dec 2006|11:28am] |
it's bright out for what seems like the first time in years...
i'm madly in love with december and snow and christmas. i'm happy beyond belief. the way we thought of october sorta happy. afi concert happy. august through september sorta happy. 9th grade happy.
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| ...and now a thousand years between |
[13 Nov 2006|01:19am] |
i remember, over the summer, during july, my intense fear of losing reality. fearing the loss of the life that i have always known, always accepted, always lived; never considering any alternative because, at the time, life was what it was. drinking and smoking brought me further from this reality, and it was fun and it was nice, but it was comforting to go back to 'real life'. but, when the smoking became more and more frequent, and less and less about fun, reality slipped more and more away from me. returning to it was harder, and less comforting. and scary. and even then, i knew that at one point the [then] current reality would escape me forever. and i would be lost. and i was so scared. i panicked about this and every fear in my life to andy the day that he cheated on me. and he was so reassuring. but i knew that he didn't understand, and that he never would. i guess i always thought my reality-loss would be due to something realted to smoking, or drinking, or drugs. not the one thing that always brought me back into the real world. so my fears have come true: i am completely foreign to the world that i used to know. and it's funny, looking back, knowing that i knew this was coming. but i'm not (as) lost (as i thought i'd be). and i'm not afraid. probably because it was due to a different factor, and an andy-free alternate reality is a good reality, a better reality than before, far better than a crazy-drug-enduced alternate reality. but it is still an alternate reality. the change from the old world seems so tangible that i can almost touch the detachment. but it is still a reality.
i suppose i could write about the time, the one time in my life, that reality truly and wholly escaped me. or maybe, that i escaped from reality. and if i were to apply psychology to life, it was because i could not handle it any other way. tyler murphy was there, as was mr. gallivan. and paul and dan r and jeremy. (this, clearly, said how dorothy spoke of her dream). and maybe it's because i've never fainted before, because i suppose it'd be similar to that. but it was this utterly indescribable feeling, followed by the picture, the body that i was seeing, rolling into the back of my head, and losing my footing and i believe that if sara's dad hadn't come to me i would have fallen over. but i don't remember. because i wasn't there. and if he wasn't either, i don't know if i would have ever come back.
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[09 Nov 2006|06:34pm] |
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i want to exist without a body. i want the consciousness without the limits.
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[07 Nov 2006|11:38pm] |
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it feels like im just existing til college. or even just something good.
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[07 Nov 2006|04:36pm] |
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fuck
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[21 Oct 2006|11:14am] |
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anything i write for myself always just ends up in "FUCKING CHRIST"
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